Crank

Definition of the word "crank": [KRANGK]:

1) An unbalanced person who is overzealous in the advocacy of a private cause. Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is a hitman charged by West Coast Crime Syndicate boss Carlito (Carlos Sanz) with assassinating a rival gang leader, Don Kim (Keone Young). In a fit of revenge, Chelios' rival Ricky Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo) injects him with a "Beijing Cocktail" while he's sleeping. Verona really, really hates Chelios – the kind of hate that goes beyond simply murdering his foe. The Cocktail will kill Chelios in one hour if he doesn't keep his adrenaline up. As the movie cheerfully explains, there are three ways to keep said adrenaline up: fear, rage, and sex. So Chelios sets out to destroy the man who destroyed him, buying himself just a little more time through a series of increasingly reckless attempts to keep his adrenaline up.

2) A nasal decongestant used illicitly for its euphoric effects. The most obvious, and the first tactic Chelios resorts to, is drugs. He snorts them. He injects them. He snorts them again, all under the orders of his Mafia doc. This may be the first action movie that has a pro-drug message: Hey, at least it's keeping your heart rate up!

3) To increase the volume of an electronic device. Crank is loud. Big, dumb and loud, filled with kicking beats, whip cuts, video game flashes, surreal moments reminiscent of Naked Lunch (Chelios is, after all, under the influence of a great many drugs). Sometimes it's hard to make out what's going on over all the swearing and the explosions. Statham awesome martial arts talents are completely wasted here, with a few punches and a neck-break or two. Even his reputation as a driver is underplayed, although perhaps smashing a car through a mall and landing it on an escalator counts.

What's not quite as cool is the homophobia, misogyny, and racism on full display. Chelios' flamboyantly gay contact Kaylo (Efren Ramirez) doesn’t know how to fight even when he tries to help and then gets tortured, all the while being spat on with homophobic slurs. Chelios' girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) who never picks up her cell phone because she doesn't have one, hangs around her apartment all day stoned out of her mind, and stupidly believes Chelios' claim that he's a video game programmer. Throughout the escalating attacks that Chelios tries to keep from her, Eve blathers on about shopping and her nails and her clothes. When Chelios sexually assaults her (remember that third way to keep his adrenaline up?), Eve gives in. Then they rut in the street before an alternately horrified/curious crowd of Asians. Because apparently it's not as squicky if you do it in front of people of a different race who don't speak the same language as you.

4) To turn and twist; zigzag. Chelios carves a murderous path towards his foe. In the process he picks fights with thugs, robs a convenience store, and hijacks a hospital. But there's a twist, you see: Chelios never KILLED the Tong leader! See? Chelios is actually a nice guy! Shouldn't we forgive him for all the killing and the attempted rape?

Instead of sharing this plot twist at the very last moment, it telegraphs the whole scene much too early. We already know Kim is alive well before the "twist" happens. Which concludes, thankfully, with Chelios grappling Verona as they plunge to their deaths from a helicopter.

4) Bogus; false; phony. But the movie's not over yet. Oh no, not yet. Instead of splattering like a bloody pancake batter when he hits, Chelios BOUNCES off a car, landing in front of the camera, nostrils still flaring, eyes still blinking, as his heart beats once more.

And that's when we know this is a joke. If it wasn't clear, the credits concludes with a badly pixilated video game sequence of Chelios shooting bad guys, picking up power-ups, and his digitized beating heart. So all those drugs Chelios took? Power ups. All those bad guys Chelios killed? Points. That time limit on his heart? That was the time limit on the video game.

Chelios bounced off the car because the movie is a commentary about what a video game in real life might look like. Or rather, what a certain style of video game might look like. Except nowadays, even Grand Theft Auto has more pathos and plot than this tripe.

Crank earns an additional star for the irony. But that doesn’t make it a good movie.

Transporter 3

Transporter 3's lead writer (Luc Besson) has a thing for redheads.

I came to this conclusion after watching Transporter 3. I'm a big fan of Besson's science fiction foray, The Fifth Element, and all I could think as I watched the slinky, thickly accented Valentina (Natalya Rudakova) was how Transporter 3 would have been so much better if it had been Milla Jovovich in the role.

That I was distracted by the stiff Rudakova's acting is a testament to how much the film insists on zooming in on her, letting her drone on and on in her broken English, and the endless patience that Frank Martin (Jason Statham) seems to have for what amounts to a rich brat in a miniskirt and heels.

Oh right, the plot. So anyway, Martin is a wheelman who does jobs with certain rules. These are all meant to ensure success in Martin's job as a wheelman. By the time we reach Transporter 3, every one of those rules has been broken.

And that's the problem. The rules made Martin interesting. In Transporter 3, Martin has become a walking parody of himself, fetishized by the director to strip away (literally) everything likable about him, only to replace it with beefcake shots of Statham with his shirt off, whip-cut fight scenes that don't let us see his martial arts prowess, and aggravating supporting characters whom the Martin we know from the first movie would have left on the curb.

The gimmick here is that Martin can't just run away from his job because a super-advanced device is connected to his wrist that will blow him up if he is more than 75 feet away from the car. For reasons that only make sense to movie villains, Martin is forced to drive Valentina to a variety of locations, during which they track him constantly.

That's right, the bad guys track Martin's every move. In fact, the movie is obsessed with keeping Martin in the car to the point that the entire universe seems hell bent on keeping him in it. Even the laws of physics are in on this cruel joke, which helpfully bends its laws to allow Frank to do ridiculous things like drive his car on two wheels, float it to the surface using air pressure from its tires alone, and land it on a moving train.

The generic villain Johnson (Robert Knepper) is a victim of the So Bads. As in, he's So Bad that:

• ... he kidnaps drunk college girls!
• ... he shoots his own men when they asks stupid questions!
• ... he's helping sneak toxic waste into Europe!

That's right, uber-villains can now hit a new low: they're not just mean to you, they're mean to the environment!

The movie just spirals from there. Valentina, patently unlikable, somehow seduces Martin, who doesn't show the least bit of interest in her. Given that the ransom picture of Valentina shows her in a schoolgirl's uniform, there's at least a ten-year difference between her and Martin. Ick.

There are so many logic fallacies that you have to wonder if Besson's just mocking his audience. Statham as Europe's answer to the Kung Fu martial artist is just plain awesome -- I loved him in The Transporter and was willing to forgive the silliness of Transporter 2 -- but this is too much. Frank Martin deserves better.

Chinese Super Ninjas

First, let's get something straight: this is the best martial arts movie ever. It demonstrates Real Ultimate Power in ways I cannot even conceive, and if I could my head would explode from the Sheer Ninja Awesomeness of it all.

What, you still don't believe me? Here's why this movie is the awesomest:

1. This movie features a war between Chinese and Japanese warriors. So we get kung fu vs. samurai and ninja! Because this movie has the Awesome Dial turned up to 11, it starts with a fight between two schools, each showing off their amazing martial arts with the most unlikely weapons ever. Who wants plot when you can see guys killing each other with pinky rings?
2. The five element ninjas are all color-coded for your convenience. Fire, Earth, Wood, Water, and Gold. Now I know what you're saying: Instead of the five traditional Asian elements of Fire, Earth, Wood, Water, and Metal, why go with Gold? Gold is wimpy! It's not even a hard metal! Why not Steel or Iron? I'll tell ya why: gold is glittery. And beautiful. Which is why Gold ninjas wear glittery gold parasol hats that can double as shields. They can use them to reflect light and blind opponents, and just like every good gold-digger, they can stab you in the back with blades that shoot out from the parasol-hats. Okay, I was stretching there but stop arguing because YOU SO KNOW THAT GOLD PARASOL HATS THAT SHOOT DAGGERS ARE AWESOME.
3. There are helpful credits that explain everything the ninjas do is based on real weapons. This movie isn't just a spectacular explosion of martial arts madness, it's educational too: You could write a book report about it and I bet your teacher would totally give you an ALPHA, which is better than the letter A because this movie is so amazing mere letters will not do!
4. There's a hot chick that dresses in fishnets. And when she's not in fishnets, she's taking off her ninja clothes! And when she's not taking off her clothes, she's betraying our bitter hero. Take that feminism!
5. The hero and his three brothers have some of the coolest axe/flag/chain/scissor/polearms/stilts this side of the galaxy. Their weapons can do ANYTHING. Including chop people, blow away smoke, cut ropes, tear off limbs, stab people in the gut, and avoid people stabbing you in the groin from underground.
6. At any point in time, our hero who also happens to be a ninja, flips out and kills people. And I mean a lot of people. He rips peoples arms off. He rips peoples legs off. And at one point he rips their arms AND legs off at the same time!
7. The big boss ninja bad guy uses a fan. He's THAT confident in his manliness! Don't mess with him, it takes four guys to even have a chance of taking him down!
8. The ninjas are totally silent. They can get past your stupid falling brick trap and your crazy rooftops bells trap with their eyes closed. Pretty sure they did that by turning the sound off BUT WHATEVER NINJAS ARE AWESOME.
9. The good guys wear capes. CAPES!
10. Two words: Super. Awesome. Dubbing.

Swordsman

It seems the notion of magic books that best Real Ultimate Power are something of a trend in martial arts cinema (the awful Forbidden Warrior is still fresh in my mind). Here too is a tale of a warrior, Ling Wu-Chung (Sam Hui) and his girl-posing-as-boy sidekick whom he calls Kiddo (Cecilia Yip). They become embroiled in a battle over a ... you guess it, sacred scroll. Mixed in with the machinations of the two royal families fighting over the scroll is an old pirate and his younger companion, who have written a melancholy song (also on a scroll) that they cherish ... together, if you get my meaning. Or maybe you don't, because I'm not sure the "close" relationship between the two pirates was intended for that interpretation.

Anyway, everyone's after the scroll: Zhor (Yuen Wah) with his high-pitched feminine voice that I only realized later was a eunuch, Ah Yeung (Jacky Cheung) a soldier who is willing to go undercover to find the scroll, and Ngok, Wah Mountain School leader and Ling's master.

At some point, the massacres that ensue over the scroll are blamed on the Sun Moon Sect. So even weirder people get involved, including the whip-wielding Chief Ying (Cheung Man) and her snake hurling lieutenant Blue Phoenix (Fennie Yuen). You read that right: Blue Phoenix uses snakes as a martial arts form, tossing them out from beneath her robes to poison and ensnare people.

There is an implied relationship between Ling and Kiddo, but it's never realized. Kiddo bristles at being called a boy when she's obviously an attractive young woman, but Ling doesn't seem to notice. Ling himself seems to be something of a smirking doofus, excelling in martial arts but mostly unaffected by the horrors that ensue over the scroll. It's like the actor can't bring himself to take Ling seriously.

There seems to be multiple threads running throughout the storyline, chock full of characters who can barely fit on screen much less in the plot. SPOILER ALERTS: Ah Yeung discovers his true lineage, Ling discovers a new martial art from an old man (the aforementioned Swordsman, I'm guessing) and uses it to defeat Ngok, who turns out to be Kiddo's father. There's the hint of a relationship between Chief Ying and Ling, and Ling and Kiddo, but this is all so subtle it's hard to be sure. And of course Zhor gets his comeuppance in an explosive and well-deserved finale.

There is a stab (ahem) at bringing the story full circle in at least two ways. The Sacred Scroll gets repeatedly confused with the Song Scroll the pirates wrote. The implication seems to be that the true sacred scroll is the melancholy song these two guys on a lonely ship wrote together. They lyrics translate into something rather melancholy, but the actors all seem to be smiling as they sing it, so my guess is the subtitles are missing context. The other plotline is that of the martial arts style of the drunken Swordsman, which involves twirling people around like tops and using other people as yo-yos by snapping them out from their belts. The yo-yo martial arts doesn't quite have the gravitas of the philosophical question of Which Scroll is Better, but you get the idea.

The Swordsman is a brutal, violent film that makes the most of its limited special effects budget with innovative camera tricks, featuring martial arts that can punch holes in wood and people with the flick of a finger, burst through ceilings, blow an army of soldiers off a dock, and yes send snakes flying. It has to be seen to be believed. Watch it for the wildly imaginative martial arts styles, but don't expect much in the way of a plot.

Forbidden Warrior

Forbidden Warrior sounds interesting at first. Hot chick? Check! Mystical powers? Check! Martial arts? Check! It has all the right ingredients to be awesome ...

But it is so the opposite of awesome. It is, in fact, the anti-awesome.

The plot, what little there is, involves two brothers and a pirate on a quest to find Seki (Marie Matiko), the magical girl who can read the magical book that will unlock the Secrets of the Land. She is raised by a blind flying Anglo hippie who speaks in SLOW. PLODDING. SENTENCES, and spends much of her time in the wilderness, picking flowers and eating berries.

Into this idyllic lifestyle wanders an Asian pirate and his hot white chick companion (Musetta Vander, who seems to have no purpose other than to glare at people). The pirate instantly falls in love with Seki. What this plot has to do with anything, I have no idea.

The real story is about the two brothers, raised to be ruthless by their overbearing father. They're seen as kids fighting against each other, and then again decades later, only nobody has aged one bit except the two boys. Ah, movie magic!

Each brother has his own henchmen. The Good Brother has a group of misfit white guys: a fat guy who speaks gibberish named Jibberish, a Jerry Lewis imitation named Mouse, and a big guy named Tall Tall. Did I mention Tall Tall interprets everything Jibberish says? Are you laughing yet?

Fortunately the Bad Brother has some cooler bad guys, including Yang Sze (played by Al Leong, who has been in every American film featuring martial arts as every moustached Asian bad guy). Lots of time is spent establishing how bad the Bad Brother is and how Good the Good Brother is. SPOILER ALERT: These two are going to fight over the girl!

And then she will use the magic the flying white hippie taught her!

And there will be a big sword fight!

And then there will be very little actual martial arts!

And now that I think about it, there wasn't all that much magic either ...

In short, Forbidden Warrior lowers the bar for chop-sockey flicks down to its toenails, then trips over it. On the upside, it will make a hilarious drinking game.

Zu Warriors

I saw the subtitled version on KungFuHD (which alas, no longer exists). I didn't take notes while watching the movie, so I'm sure I got some of the names wrong. I would point out that the below review contains spoilers, but really, the entire movie could be watched backwards and it would make as much sense as what I'm about to reveal, so I'm not giving away that much. Here's what I can figure out...

The immortal land of Zu consists of three different nations. There's the warrior monks led by White Eyebrow guy, which includes the super-powered fighting team of Thunder (a male) and Lightning (a female), some guy named Hawk (Wolf's buddy) with metal wings (like Archangel from the Marvel comic series), and some other sword fighting guy I will call Sword. White Eyebrow guy wields a powerful Shield of Heaven, which shines light on things and can destroy them. Then there are the peaceful bald monk types, who preside over the balance of Heaven. They are generally non-combatants. Finally, there's a nation of two people: the lone wolf protagonist (no clue what his name is, but let's go with Wolf), and his mentor/love interest (lets call her Moon). Wolf wields the power of the sun, Moon wields the power of the uh, moon, which manifests as a flying crescent blade.

These are immortals, remember, so everyone can fly, wields powerful magical weapons, and sneers at humanity.

One day, Mordo, the bad guy who consists of a huge flying stream of screaming skulls, decides to return to power and attack Zu. Mordo is basically a guy in a Cthulhu-mask, which really ruins the cool effect of his screaming skulls. Anyway, Mordo begins systematically destroying each of the Zu lands, killing Moon. Upon dying, Moon bestows the floating crescent blade to Wolf. Mordo is finally driven off by the White Eyebrow Superfriends.

Mortally wounded, Mordo hides in a Blood Cave, where he is able to absorb everyone's magical weapons, including White Eyebrow's Shield of Heaven. Now it's a standoff - White Eyebrow's team can't fight Mordo without losing their weapons, but Mordo is still recovering, slowly gaining energy to unleash his evil wrath on the world. So Hawk gets the sole duty of watching the cave to ensure Mordo doesn't escape while White Eyebrows comes up with another plan.

If that doesn't seem colossally stupid enough, White Eyebrow's plan is to merge Thunder and Lightning into one person. But they must both be one hundred percent confident as they ram into each other. Failure means they explode. If you're missing the symbolism, Thunder wields a long, giant blade that he thrusts forward when he rushes into Lightning ... you get the idea.

Anyway, Wolf is pretty miserable now that his mentor is dead. When Thunder flinches as he tries to merge with Lightning, they're both destroyed. Thunder is reborn as a childlike moron and Lightning seems to be unaffected - but in truth, White Eyebrows rebuilt her with a piece of Moon's spirit. Fortunately, because Thunder is an idiot, there's no danger of any sort of love triangle.

Hawk, in the mean time, gets fooled into feeling sorry for a little faerie that escapes from the cave. It turns out the faerie is actually a demon that ends up possessing poor Hawk. So Hawk goes on a killing spree, wiping out most of White Eyebrows' team.

Somewhere along the line, Sword falls for a human female soldier, who doesn't have much to do but stand around in awe of all the flying immortals and their amazing incompetence.

By now you've figured out how the story ends, right? No? This isn't clear enough for you? Sheesh, some people need everything explained ...

White Eyebrows decides to try to find the secret of the universe. He leaves Super Team Defense to Wolf, infusing him with some mystical knowledge. This knowledge is encased in one of those sparkly glowy crystal things that float over the Sims. Then, in the tradition of Ben Kenobi, he fades away, as all white-haired guys must. Only in the ensuing battle with evil, Wolf dies. Fortunately he is reconstituted when White Eyebrows discovers the secret of the universe, healing Wolf.

Thunder finally remembers who he is (his irritating dialogue is supposed to be hilarious, I gather), gets it on with Lightning, and their Wonder Twin Powers activate. So Thunder/Lightning and Superenlightened Wolf face down Evil Hawk (who does not have a goatee) and Mordo in the Blood Cave lair. Fulfilling his oath, Wolf kills Hawk and puts him out of his misery. Mordo is defeated. Moon's reincarnated spirit either leaves Lightning or manifests, but I can't remember because I didn't care at that point.

The end.

It's telling how many people praise this film without providing any detail as to the plot. That's because this hyperkinetic mess is a tangle of poor special effects, bizarre storyline plotting, and far too many characters to follow. Some of this can be chalked up to differences in culture and translation. But a lot of it can't.

It should have been an anime.

Kung Fu Panda

I was on a long flight back from California when I had the choice between watching Kung Fu Panda on a tiny television screen four feet away from me, or read the SkyMall catalog. I wisely chose to watch Kung Fu Panda.

I was curious as to how Kung Fu Panda would present itself: as a Lion King-style retelling of ancient Chinese myth, or as a love note to kung fu films from an American perspective. I'm pleased to report that it's the latter.

You know the story: Po (a restrained Jack Black) adores the Furious Five but is too fat and slow to ever hope to become one of them and then fate does precisely that. It's the heroes who have the real problem (each representing a different kung fu style and all voiced by a roster of celebrities, including Angelina Jolie, Jackie Chan, and Lucy Liu). Struggling most of all is Master Shifu - a bit redundant, if you know the definition of Shifu - played by Dustin Hoffman (wouldja believe?) who is still suffering from the betrayal of his first and best pupil Tai Lung (Ian McShane).

What's surprising about Kung Fu Panda is how adult the story is. The word "kill" is mentioned several times. Tai Lung and Shifu have a physical conflict that is much a battle of philosophies as it is a father and son having an argument. And the plot is beautiful in its symmetry, perfectly tying in every element: from the modified style of kung-food training that Shifu teaches Po to the revelation of Po's (we can only assume adopted) duck-father's secret recipe to the fact that Po is immune to acupuncture (because he's so fat, of course) Kung Fu Panda is tightly scripted and wrapped up in a beautiful package.

The movie itself (what I could see on the tiny airplane screen) is beautifully produced. It ranges from Chinese-style art to realistic but soft-colored tones, to bursts of color amidst pitch darkness. The fight scenes are all in exciting locations: in a prison, on a rope bridge, in an ancient temple. It's like a videogame, only you're watching the fat guy character nobody wants to play. It was beautiful enough that I had a pang of regret that I wasn't watching it on a big screen. Or even a medium screen.

For kids, Po is a great tale about overcoming obstacles by being yourself. For geeks, Po is a hilarious new hero archetype: the fanboy as hero, a fat, slobbering devotee who knows more details about the Furious Five than they know about themselves.

Hero

Red version: Hero is the story of one man's quest (Nameless, played by Jet Li) to destroy the three assassins (lovers Broken Sword played by Tony Leung Chiu-Wai and Flying Snow played by Maggie Cheung, and Sky played by Donnie Yen) who tried to kill the King of Qin (Chen Daoming). Nameless bests Sky in combat, and Broken Sword and Flying Snow betray each other, all the while fighting off the King's entire army, until Nameless finally kills Snow. At least, that's the story Nameless tells the King, who is privileged with advancing within ten paces of him.

Blue version: The King disagrees. He knows the assassin lovers and doesn't believe the story. He instead believes that the three assassins sacrificed their own lives to allow Nameless the audience with the King, and thus a chance to commit regicide himself. He has developed a special move, the King theorizes, that can kill a man at ten paces.

White version: Now the truth comes out. Nameless explains who he is, where he came from, and why he is in the King's palace. Nameless has a technique that can skewer a person while missing all their vital organs, making the blow look fatal. He used it on Sky and he uses it again on Flying Snow. Surprisingly, Broken Sword is against the entire notion of assassinating the King at all, a decision that harkens back to the duo's first assassination attempt. It failed only because Broken Sword chose not to kill the King.

Throughout the movie parallels are made between calligraphy and martial arts, and specifically the symbol for the word "sword." There are deeper meanings within the brush strokes, a form of enlightenment that Broken Sword achieved and that the King discovers in his conversation with his would-be assassin. Nameless' decision and the effect it has on the other assassins provides the twist to the tale.

Hero is a breathtaking movie, filled with balletic martial arts, lovely scenes in vivid colors, and natural settings reflecting China's ancient history and beauty. It's entertaining and moving, and the relationship between Broken Sword and Flying Snow anchors the piece. The three different tales, each depicted by a particular color scheme, provides different backdrops for heroics, drama, and warfare.

On the other hand, Hero is a Chinese cinematic version of "Who Moved My Cheese" - it reinforces the status quo with a sinister charm. Killing kings is foolish, says Hero, because it only leads to more war. Nameless' decision is one of sacrifice, one for the many. Were this only a fable, the story wouldn't be politically charged. But the King of Qin went on to become the Emperor of China, who did a lot of great things. So, you know, killing him would be bad because China wouldn't be nearly as great without him.

The question becomes whether or not that matters on a greater moral scale. Hero clearly makes the point that we should feel sympathy for the poor King in his enlightened state. Revenge never gets anyone anywhere. And yet by reducing the course of history to the assassination of one man, Hero makes many assumptions: about the importance of said man, about the progress of China, about our own human failings. It's a very Chinese movie, which makes it either more authentic or less palatable to American audiences. It all depends on your definition of the term "hero."

Romeo Must Die

Tell me if you've heard this one from Joel Silver: a martial artist, a singer, and a comedian walk into a movie.

The punch line: Romeo Must Die.

Romeo Must Die is a slickly produced, big budget action flick that revolves around a gang war between two crime families, led by the African-American Isaak O'Day (Delroy Lindo) and the Chinese Ch'u Sing (Henry O). They are engulfed in a battle over the sale of Oakland-San Francisco waterfront property, the future location of an NFL stadium. Oozing all over the deal as The White Man is Vincent Roth (Edoardo Ballerini) who embodies greed in a corporate suit.

Isaak has a plan to stop his life of crime after the sale, but his second-in-command, Mac (Isaiah Washington), has other plans. Ch'u has his own lieutenant, Kai (Russell Wong), who doesn't seem to do much but wear sunglasses until the end of the movie.

As a result of all the skullduggery, things don't go as planned. Ch'u son (Po Sing, played by Jonkit Lee) is murdered, setting off what seems like a retaliatory strike against Isaak's son, Colin (D.B. Woodside). Word of the murder reaches Han Sing (Jet Li) in prison, who immediately breaks out and flies halfway around the world to avenge his brother's death.

There, he meets Isaak's daughter, the gorgeous Trish O'Day (Aaliyah). After Han steals a taxi and barges into Trish's house, the two decide to work together to discover who's really behind the murders. Why Trish should trust Han so quickly, given that he is the son of a rival gang leader, is never made clear.

Even more inconceivable is the supposed relationship that exists between the two. That's right folks, Li is supposed to be Romeo and Aaliyah is his Juliet. The two never even kiss. Somewhere, Will Shakespeare is spinning in his grave. With the high death toll, Romeo must Die has a lot more to do with Hamlet than Romeo and Juliet.

This movie is so grossly enthusiastic about its violent content that it actually has special effects to demonstrate how people die. In other words, instead of indicating that an arm has been broken by a loud crack, the movie shifts to an x-ray vision view of the victim's body, showing the bone break. It's like Speak n' Spell for action films, explaining in precise detail the damage inflicted just in case you didn't figure out how the bad guy died. This is alternately amusing and pathetic - now we have to dumb down our action movies too?

Li (the martial artist) has some amazing action sequences, including the most creative use of a fire hose and zip lock ties. When he's fighting, Li is in his natural element. When he's speaking...he's not. The considerably more handsome and understandable Wong should have had the lead role.

Aaliyah's (the singer) presence is breathtaking, but she has very little to do in the movie. Mostly, she complains about her father's criminal activities. Although Aaliyah's music floats in the background of most of the scenes, all evidence of her musical talent is subsumed under two extremely contrived dance moves. Worse, Aaliyah's dancing sucks.

Let us not forget about the comedian, Maurice (Anthony Anderson). Big and loud, Maurice is the bodyguard assigned to Trish. He's also a non-stop laugh machine, churning out joke after joke, sometimes mumbling punch lines that only he gets.

The movie's lack of romance, despite the title, is forgivable. The attempt at a plot (and the inevitable twist) is high-minded if misguided. But what makes this movie almost unwatchable is the rampant racist remarks.

The taxi that Han eventually steals is driven by "Akbar," an Indian man. Everyone calls Han "Akbar" with a sneer, because clearly that's a name for Indian people who drive taxis, not Chinese guys driving taxis. Then Han is called "Dim Sung," after he pretends to be a Chinese food delivery guy. The blacks have rhythm, swear a lot, and break out into random dance moves. The Chinese are unfailingly polite, grieve in private, and all know martial arts (a trait Han says, with a smirk, is "state law"). And the white guy is a corporate suit, with slicked back hair and his own crony.

Ever since the success of Exit Wounds, starring DMX (who made a guest appearance in this film) and Steven Seagal, Joel Silver has been trying to create more cross genre pictures of this type to attract the hip-hop and martial art crowds. Romeo Must Die simply doesn't have the guts to go all the way with its romance, with its plot, or by breaking any stereotypes.

Kill Bill: Volume 2

I didn't like Kill Bill: Volume 1.

To sum up, it seemed like Quentin Tarantino wanted to introduce audiences to a variety of film styles at the expense of an actual plot. Using just about every trick in the book, Quentin did just that, introducing us to 70s Blaxploitation flicks, anime, and a bunch of other styles I couldn't identify. The anime was the most galling (both the actual animated short that had little relevance to the plot, and the attempts at live-action anime), as anime was meant to be a sort of shorthand for artists - the big eyes are easy to draw, the flashing movement means less frames, etc. Quentin took it and turned it into some sort of art form and then acted as if he owned it, only he didn't pull it off convincingly to folks who know their anime.

But Kill Bill: Volume 2 (KB2), makes up for it. Indeed, if the two movies had been edited down and put together, the whole thing would be a masterpiece. Instead, it's a film that's good enough to make me wish Quentin had taken the deep breath he took between the two films and edited them down into a cohesive whole.

So what does KB2 do right?

Quentin knows he had so much ridiculous violence in the first movie that it's probably still giving the Ratings board fits. So as a result, he uses the threat of violence to excellent effect. The katana that The Bride normally wields is almost never used - indeed, the big "sword fight" keeps getting interrupted by the fact that the sword isn't always the right tool for the job. Quentin lets us know that he KNEW he went too far in the first movie and it was to prove a point. I just wish the first movie hadn't taken so long to make it.

Like the first movie, Quentin takes the time to pay homage to other flicks. There's a delicious 70's Kung-Fu type flashback sequence with a white bearded, longhaired master. Everything's there, from the sword hopping to the waist dodging. Only this time I got it - I knew the films Quentin was mimicking and thought it was funny. Also, he didn't bounce around at high speed amongst so many movie styles that it gave me a headache.

As always, Uma Thurman gets to emote. She emotes rage, terror, and affection with great range. Her lines are gawd-awful, however (I'm still debating whether or not that's on purpose). Since there's less sword-fighting going on, Uma looks less ridiculous wielding her sword like it's an axe. Uma's utterly unconvincing as a martial artist, so this is a good thing.

There are a variety of parallels in the characters and their depth. Issues of motherhood vs. fatherhood, the well-being of a child vs. the violence a mother will go to protect said child, the ability to kill a man or let him ultimately kill himself, and even the theme of an eye-for-an-eye is present. Quentin covers a range of topics and makes you think, makes you aghast at the situation, and then drives relentlessly forward with his own conclusions. There are no hanging questions.

One word sums up this movie: focus. Quentin retains it, keeps it, and draws the audience in along with him, even through some very long conversations where no limbs are being sliced up like fine ham. If there's a flaw, it's that KB2 is a very different film and it's likely impossible that people will love both equally.

If KB1 was a series of flashy moves with no substance, KB2 is the gut punch that takes the wind out of you. Two thumbs up from Maleficent and I.

The One

Van Damme tried to do it in Timecop. Schwarzenegger tried it in The Last Action Hero. It seems every action hero has to eventually face himself. Literally, by playing his twin. Jet Li decided to get a head start by doing this movie relatively early in his career.

I really didn't expect much of this movie. The plot is complex: 125 parallel dimensions exist. A member of the Multiverse Bureau of Investigation accidentally kills one of his alter egos in a parallel universe and discovers that he becomes stronger, faster, and more powerful. Realizing that, if he kills all of his multiple selves, this process can make him a god, he goes off on a killing spree in the most egregious example of self-loathing this side of sci-fidom.

WAY too many critics put this movie down for its special effects. Specifically, that the effects mimic the Matrix. So what? Seeing Jet grab two motorcycles, one in each hand, and smash a man to death with them is a thrill. He kicks cops out of thin air, dodges bullets, and jumps across buildings. That's the best part of the movie.

The problem is, Jet Li just can't act. Or I should say, he can't act well. The plot demands a lot of him -- this is a rare instance of a script being better than the actor can handle. Jet Li is supposed to weep over his wife's loss, act in multiple roles as his multiple selves, display rage, hope, madness...more than most people display in a year. Jet can't do it. His English is quite good, but he simply doesn't have the range.

And in a movie all ABOUT range, Jet can't pull it off. But that's okay, what he does is some amazing martial arts, demonstrates really cool special effects, and provides a funky plot line that inspired me enough to want to run a mini-campaign in this setting (maybe I will, hmmm). That's the highest compliment I can give any movie.