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Monday, February 23, 2009

Game Review: Dead Rising

  • DAY -35: Just saw an ad for Dead Rising. So jazzed! The main character kills shambling zombies in a mall with baseball bats, an umbrella, and a chainsaw. Chainsawing zombie goodness, baby! WOOHOO!
  • DAY 0: Just got the game. YES! Popped it in and started playing. The main character reminds me of Andrew Dice Clay from The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, only sized like a linebacker.
  • DAY 1: What the...the text is so small! I can't read anything!
  • DAY 2: Oh for the love of...Dead Rising is for HD televisions only. I can't read what Otis keeps calling me about, so I can't play the game. Sigh.
  • DAY 32: My brother was over for dinner and when he looked at my flat screen television in the basement, he pointed out that it's actually a high def television. Yes, I'm an idiot. Back to Dead Rising!
  • DAY 33: Woohoo, this rocks! So many zombies to kill! And not just zombies; the game is full of psychopaths too. I killed a clown with chainsaws, some big fat cop who looks like Kathy Kinney (from The Drew Carey Show), a pyromaniac who looks like Weird Al, and a weird raincoat/green mask-wearing cult that totally freaks me out. I'm a little behind on the main missions but the game hasn't ended yet so I figure I'm good.
  • DAY 34: I hate this game so much. I spent hours playing it and when I got back to the security office, the game ended and said I had missed a deadline. Information that would have been useful YESTERDAY! Maybe I'll sell it.
  • DAY 37: Okay, back on track. It's really upsetting that I don't have time to save all the survivors. So I of course only save the hot chicks. And this one old lady because I love my grandma (God rest her soul). A couple of times I accidentally killed one of the survivors with a sledgehammer when I was trying to kill a zombie. Mental note: people and sledgehammers don't mix.
  • DAY 38: OH. MY. GOD. The game just crashes at random times. It says the disc is dirty. Only the disc isn't dirty. My theory is that the game uses a huge amount of processor speed, and since I have a refurbished 360, they dialed back the processing power so the Xbox doesn't overheat anymore. Which means Dead Rising crashes it every few times. I am so selling this game, screw this!
  • DAY 40: It seems like there's some sort of plot to produce cattle...that led to creating zombies in a little town outside the U.S. The main psychopath decided to reveal the U.S. government's illegal experiments by unleashing the zombie plague at a mall to make a statement. It doesn't really make too much sense. Worse, there are multiple endings and I missed the chopper pick-up time on the roof of the mall. I'm going to start over from my last save point (which is few and far between). I'm starting to really hate this game.
  • DAY 42: I did it! Almost. Now the U.S. military is "cleaning up" the operation by killing everyone. Gee, glad I went through all the trouble to save all the hot chicks. Oh well, a few katana slices takes care of them nicely. But then there's this long battle with a tank and then some military guy who is impossible to beat. I think I'll just sell this game.
  • DAY 43: My wife said, "After all this complaining about the game, you BETTER finish it." So okay, I'm gonna finish it.
  • DAY 44: I did it! I beat the main bad guy by spinning around like a top, backslapping the bad guy with what has to be the stupidest move in gaming combat history. But I beat Dead Rising! Take that, only-one-save slot! Take that, crashing-all-the-time processor! Take that, stupid forced story-timeline! I did it! I did it! Did I mention I love this game?



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