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The following article is a reprint from The Toledo Blade - Column by Tom Ensign Tom Ensign's humor column was featured in The Toledo Blade on Wednesdays. He has since retired and now lives in California. |
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| No black hats, brooms in sight | |
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Most women would not take it as a compliment if someone referred to them as a witch. This is understandable, but it doesn't hold true in all cases. In fact I recently met a woman who isn't the least offended. That's because she is a witch, and proud of it, thank you. And so another chapter opens in my already goofy life. I had never met a witch before. Being an obviously naive person, I didn't even know they existed outside of fairy tales, television, and movies. Let's face it, witches generally get a pretty bad rap publicity-wise. When my companion at a local bar calmly informed me of her identity, my first thought was to find out what she was drinking. I was dubious. I resisted an urge to peek out the window to see if a broom was taking up one of the parking spaces. I had visions of cauldrons, pointed hats, and warts. If we had a difference of opinion, would I be turned into a toad? I didn't think I'd make a very good toad. My surprise was obvious, so she explained what a modern-day witch really is. Since I made a rule when I started writing this column to avoid the topics of politics or religion, I won't go into any detail except that this is a form of religion, but members don't practice any of the nifty sacrifice stuff that people relate to witches. In fact, they seem fairly harmless. In other words, she wasn't going to invite me over for blood and doughnuts or anything like that. So I figured she wasn't dangerous- at least not more so than any other woman. In fact, it's kind of a kick that generates some interesting conversation with bar buddies. "So, Tom, you going out with anybody?" one asks. "Well, the truth is, I've been seeing this witch," I say, eager to see the reaction. "Yeah, I know the feeling," is the reply. "I've dated a few, but you mispronounced it." "No, you moron... I said WITCH!" |
"Oh, right, and did you meet her on your latest trip to Oz?" comes the question, dripping with sarcasm. Then a nasty chuckle. "Nothing spells lovin' like something from the coven, eh?" Women get miffed. "What a terrible thing to say!" one scolded. "I'm sure she's a very nice person. If you don't like her, then don't go out with her. But don't call her names!" There is an air of fantasy about the whole thing. I can't help but find some hilarity in the whole situation and my friend has a great sense of humor- which is good. Otherwise I would be writing this with webbed feet. What do witches do for a living? Well, this one makes cookies. She's a cookie witch. This would be fitting. After all, isn't a gingerbread house really just a big cookie? The Hansels and Gretels of the world had better be on the alert. I don't know many witch jokes, but I do try, anyway. I told her if she worked in a deli at the beach, she could then be called a sand- witch. I come up with a lot of these, and I suspect her sense of humor is wearing a bit thin. Seriously folks, witches are pretty much the same as other people except they get a little nervous about tornadoes. Also, I'm a little leary of the relationship because she and my evil coal-black cat, Spook, hit it off right away. In fact, we were all watching television (reruns of Bewitched - what else?) and I went into the kitchen. When I returned, I caught the two of them whispering to each other. They immediately stopped and looked innocent when they discovered I was watching them. And now Spook stares at me with a speculative look as if to say, "Watch it pal, I am not alone." Still, things seem fairly normal. She even said she was going to invite me over for dinner some evening. I'm looking forward to it, too. I like exotic dishes and I'm sure eye of newt will be delicious. But I can't help but wonder what Gingrich will do without his. |