What To Do If You Can't Find A Support Group

People often call or write us asking if there is a grief support group in their area. Most of these requests come from small towns or rural areas where it is unlikely that a local group exists. So..., what do you do when you think you need a grief support group and one isn't available?

First, you might ask yourself if you really need one. Support groups can be very helpful if certain criteria are met. Number one is a strong and knowledgeable group facilitator. Next, the participants must be prepared to participate fully in the exchange in order to obtain maximum benefits.

Why must the facilitator be strong? One of the first support groups we attended was for the loss of a baby. At our first meeting, a woman and her husband came in. He had a book and, without a word to anyone, went straight to the back of the room where he sat down and began to read.

The wife took her seat at the table and was introduced by the facilitator as being the group's "longest standing member". She had been with the group 8 years! What does this tell us about the facilitator and her group?

If she was a strong and knowledgeable facilitator, she would have recognized after 12 to 18 months that this women was not getting much out of the group. She had either not made progress resolving her grief, in which case the facilitator should consider referring her to a grief counselor or other specialist. Or, she had resolved her grief and was now using the group as a weekly social outlet in which case the facilitator should ask her to take a break from the group for awhile. The fact that the husband didn't participate in any way suggests the latter to be the case.

But the real damage done is to the other, newly bereaved couples attending for the first time. They took time to come to the group hoping for some immediate help in coping with their loss and the first person they meet has been there for 8 years! Several couples didn't come back; including us.

Another consideration in whether you really need a support group is your current state of mind. There are many cases where even the best of support groups have failed certain people, mainly because the individuals weren't emotionally or psychologically ready for the group. The two most common problems are that they went (or were sent) to the group too soon after the loss or they weren't prepared to fully participate once they were there. To get the full benefit from the group you must be willing to open up and self-disclose. It may take a meeting or two but eventually, and quickly, you must begin telling your story to others. Many people leave the group before taking that step.

Point #2: If you're uncomfortable opening up to strangers then a support group may not be for you.

So if a good support group isn't available or isn't something you feel ready for is there anything else you can do? Definitely YES! In fact there are three areas you can explore which can give you various degrees of help. But first let's briefly look at why support groups are effective.

There are many subtle reasons why support groups are effective, but the two most immediate benefits are Normalization and Understanding. The first benefit the participant will realize is that all the confusing emotions and/or strange and unusual happenings he or she is experiencing is normal! This can be a big revelation. As the person sits and listens to the experiences of other group members the realization occurs that these experiences are not odd, unusual or to be feared---the person is not going crazy---but rather these are normal grief reactions to the experience of a profound loss. This can be one of the most significant and helpful realizations of the newly bereaved.

The second benefit, Understanding, doesn't accrue until the person starts opening up. The process begins with verbalization. By telling your story---verbalizing it---you begin the process of ordering and organizing your thoughts and feelings about the event. Self-disclosing forces you to try to make some kind of cohesive sense of all of the conflicting and contradictory events surrounding the trauma. Thus, you begin to understand and resolve all of the Whys?, What Ifs?, and Why Didn't I?. This developing understanding is the first step in grief resolution. With this in mind, the following three areas might prove helpful to you if you can't find or don't think a support group is right for you.

There are Internet news groups, alt.support.grief is one, and Internet mailing lists available where you can share your story and listen to the stories of others. Many grief related mailing lists can be found at GriefNet, an excellent World Wide Web site with many other resources. GriefNet can be found at:

The primary benefit offered by these is Normalization. It is here that you can share your fears, odd experiences, etc. and get immediate feedback from others that they too have experienced the same thing. This serves the same function as that provided by support groups. Most of the people that frequent these news groups and lists are very caring and compassionate and will take the time to answer your questions.

The lists and groups are not effective in moving you towards Understanding the way a support group can. For that you need to tell your story time and again until you begin to make some order out of the chaos. In a group setting you can do this at least once a week. To get the same effect, you would have to rewrite and send your story to the news groups or lists multiple times which would not be well received!

Point #3: Use Internet news groups and lists to Normalize your feelings, fears, experiences and emotions by sharing and reading the experiences of others.

Journaling, or keeping a diary of your day-to-day (or hour-by-hour) thoughts and experiences has been proven to be as effective as "talking" in bringing psychological and physical benefits. The process of translating your thoughts into language is what brings order and understanding.

For some journaling has many advantages over support groups. You don't have to wait a week for the next meeting as you can write anytime you feel the need. The more you write the quicker you move towards resolution. You can write anywhere. And, you don't have to be apprehensive about opening up to strangers.

To begin journaling, get a big pad or notebook and make a commitment to sit down once a day and jot down your feelings and experiences. Write anything and everything that comes into your mind. For most, this is easy but if this is difficult for you, or you don't initially have the motivation or energy to start, then make a small commitment---10 minutes before bedtime---but do it every day for a week. If, after the first couple of days, you feel like writing more, do so, but at least keep your basic commitment. After a while you should find yourself looking forward to your journaling sessions which will gradually become longer and more involved.

As time goes on and you gain more understanding, you will probably write less and less frequently, showing that you are gaining more acceptance to the circumstances surrounding your trauma and that your pain is lessening. You will also have a log of your progress to review at any time. The hard part is Day One so make that commitment!

This is a final area you may want to explore but you have to be extremely honest with yourself as to where you are in your grief. This is not usually an option for the newly bereaved. This doesn't mean that you must have completely resolved your grief (which can take 1 to 3 years for a non-complicated loss) before starting a support group, but there should be a good period of time between the loss and this option.

You can consider the option if you feel you have reached a degree of objectivity surrounding your loss and have a sincere desire to help other people with their losses. You should also be prepared for a long term commitment and must be able to put your personal and religious beliefs aside.

If you don't feel that your ready to run a support group, but still want to start one, you can take on an administrative position and seek the help of a more experienced person to manage and facilitate it.

How do you start and run a support group? You might want to pick up our publication "Starting/Running Support Groups". It's being used as a textbook by universities and home/health care agencies and is a favorite with many hospice organizations across the country. It is available here on our web site.

Another wonderful source of information is provided by Alan Taplow who has done much support group work at prisons. He has provided his notes and articles for free at his web site at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/6662/prison.htm

Point #5: If the Internet or Journaling doesn't interest you, and if you think your ready, start a support group of your own.

So, if you can't find a support group, or don't feel comfortable with one all is not lost. Try one of these options and you will make progress towards resolving your grief.

"Opening Up"-The Healing Power of Confiding in Others by James W. Pennebaker, Ph.D., William Morrow and Company Inc., New York, 1990.

This is a very important work and a must for all facilitators, counselors, and caregivers as it provides solid, statistical evidence to support the practice of opening up.

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