Captain Ron's

Sailing and Cruising Pages

Buying a boat …

by Capt Ron

One of the two best days in a boat owner's life is the day he buys a new boat, right? So why is buying a boat so traumatic? I ask myself these questions from time to time. I say, Self, "why does every boat on the short list cost twice as much as you can afford?" Or Self, "How can you explain to the wife that a Capsize Screening Value doesn't have anything to do with how many holes there are in a floppy hat? "

My wife and I set out to find our next cruising boat in the usual way. We defined our cruising plans (she wants Royal Caribbean, I want it to float), we made careful lists of our requirements, (queen size bed for her, for me, it has to float), explored the online boat ads,(more later), narrowed our selections to a few hundred likely candidates (mostly floating condos) and then called owners and brokers doing careful interviews, (i.e. does it float?, does it have a queen bed?, etc.). By the time we actually went to look at a few boats, I was convinced that Carole intends to do a lot of sleeping on our cruise. I guess I better lay in a supply of paperbacks.

Looking at classified ads is an education. "Well maintained" means that the bilge well gets pumped once a year whether it needs it or not. ”Sleeps six" usually means that three dwarfs, sleeping spoon style, can fit on the cabin sole while the other three take shifts on the cockpit cushion. "Huge tankage" means the jerry cans on the deck are only missing one cap. "Neat, clean and ready to go" indicates that as soon as you leave the dock, she's gonna go … down that is. "Recent overhaul" means that the bitch quit on me last weekend and I had to call Sea Tow which why she's for sale. After a while you get to where you can filter out some of the junk by recognizing the phrase "Caribbean experienced cruiser" or "well equipped shower".

In addition, the online photos can tell you a lot. Especially to my wife, who is an expert photo interpreter. For example, rugs on the floor means that this boat is 'well taken care of '…. by a woman (because "men just don't care enough to put rugs down") So there are two kinds of boats. Men's boats (read rejects) and boats that "have a woman's touch" (possibly acceptable). She can also detect shabby curtains in 20x30 pixel thumbnail from across the room. A photo of the head with the toilet paper feeding from underneath the roll is justification for not even considering the vessel. "But Honey it has RADAR!" "Who cares, it doesn't have a Radar Range." I have now come to rely on this skill. Trust me, it comes from years of looking at wedding photos and baby pictures … she can Tell!

So here we are with a broker, trying to look intelligent, (while trying not to remind him that we consider brokers to be as honest as fishermen) when she says, "honey, (honey is always the give away) could we convert this engine room to a hanging locker?"

Then it's the broker's turn. "Well, you know a few little blisters don't hurt anything" as we watch a boat across the yard sitting in a cloud of fiberglass dust as the planers strip the gel coat. Or "This baby's been down to South America three times, they don't get more seaworthy than that" oh, great selling point. That explains why the label on the mast says "rechazar" ….

Then there's the "evil eye" . The evil eye is usually delivered discretely to me after she's spent approximately 11.23 seconds onboard the vessel. This means that there is no way in hell we are buying this obviously "man's boat". The evil eye can usually be seen shortly after she opens either the head door or the oven. The previously mentioned toilet paper feed or baked on cheese whiz would be the usual causes. Sometimes I get the evil eye before I even get to go below. I usually spend the first few minutes of boat looking by stomping around on the deck. If it didn't have gel coat cracks before me, it probably does now.

By the time I'm done looking at rigging, anchor wells, steering gear and lazzarettes, if I don't have the evil eye, then I can probably do a little looking below decks. God help the salesman if she catches a whiff of diesel fuel or even worse ... cigarette smoke... certain cause for rejection. Talk about smells, an expired air freshener is certain to be hiding a mold and mildew problem. There's also no way we can own a boat that shows any sign of a water leak ... anywhere ... there better not be even a drippy faucet let alone a damp bilge.

These are the good old days ... because sooner or later the 'evil-eye' usually falls in love with a spice rack or peculiarly scented candle and the contracting process begins. Oh well, better luck next time.