Newswire01

The Steverini Newswire
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Untied Press Internet'nal -

Santa Claus is not a woman. Here's why:

                  First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa
                  would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made
                  because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do NOT make your butt look fat."

Plus:

                      * Soot is a female irritant
                      * Women don't know how to change the lightbulb in Rudolph's nose
                      * Most women surveyed said they prefer little or no facial hair
                      * Elves are not personal servants
                      * Not many women walk around saying 'Ho'
                      * Mrs. Claus is not a lesbian

                  Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors.
                  If Santa was female, she wouldn't have white hair, she'd be at the nearest North Pole drug store every other
                  week buying a bottle of "Clairol Brunette # whatever"

                  Santa Chick would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Pukes 'n Craps', and worst of all - CLOTHES -
                  to all the little kids in the world because they're far less threatening than really cool toys like
                  'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'GI Joe Talking Adventure Team
                  Commander with Kung Fu Grip'.

                  And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa samples each one to
                  let you know he was really there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn cookie jar would be missing and
                  there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.

And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The
Night Before Christmas:

"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."

If Santa was female, that line would have read:

"She never shut up, so Christmas was cancelled..."

Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday characters (with the exception of the Easter Bunny,
thanks to Hugh Heffner).

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