The Steverini Newswire

                  Ancient Bones Determined To Be Distant Relative Of Celine Dion
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                  Untied Press Internet'nal - Scientists have discovered the remains of an ape-like creature in a remote
                   cave outside of Quebec Canada.  After performing DNA experiments on bone samples, it was determined
                   that the remains are distantly related to Canadian-born singer Celine Dion.
                                                                                                                                  Celine Dion

                   Scientists also classified the remains as belonging to a creature which would have been socially outcast
                   due to unusually large vocal chords.

                   "This animal would have been completely despised by its peers", remarked Dr. Stanley Schnorfelvork,
                   the forensic team's leading scientist, "because its vocal capabilities would have enabled it to emit an
                   ear-piercing screech almost constantly."

                  "The skull was also found to be grossly enlarged"  Dr Schnorfelvork continued. "This is extremely
                   significant, because it suggests that this particular specimen was egotistical and self-centered, which
                   would tend to support the theory that it intentionally screeched to annoy and agitate other members
                   of the tribe, and probably enjoyed doing so."

                   The specimen has been named 'Apeshittacus-Dionacus'  (Apeshit-Dion).
                                                                                                                                Artist's Interpretation

                   Interestingly, the skull had been shattered by what appears to have been a barrage of  large, palm sized
                   rocks.  When asked, Dr. Schnorfelvork indicated that this may have possibly evidenced one of the earliest
                   cases of  homicide in Canadian history.

                   "Apeshittacus-Dionacus would have been considered a pariah within the tribe" he said.
                   "Especially the female."

                   Celine Dion could not be reached for comment.

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